A small collection of things that I, or others, may or may not have said.
“Hell, I’ll do it for the story.” – Jim
“It ain’t rocket surgery.” – Jim
“Whatever people did to deserve dogs, it wasn’t enough.” – Jim
“If God is real he will have to beg for my forgiveness.” – Unknown
“The truth is like poetry. And people fucking hate poetry.” – overheard in a a bar in NYC
“I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.” – Larry David
“Behind every great fortune lies a great crime.” -Balzac
“Let me be clear, my love is unconditional, but your presence in my life is not. The moment that you prove that your value of me does not measure up to my sense of self-worth, I’ll have no problem unconditionally loving the memory of you and moving on.” – Carson Patrick Bowie
“It was logical to conclude that for every job that existed in the world there was someone, somewhere, who could not do it. Given sufficient time and enough promotions he would get that job!” – The Peter Principle
“A fool tries to look different: a clever man looks the same and is different.” -John Buchan (The 39 Steps)
“Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one’s mistakes.” -Oscar Wilde
“I don’t think history possibly can be true.” – Orson Welles
“The people down there are poor enough and scared enough and ignorant enough to have some common sense!” -Kurt Vonnegut
“Heroes are better than gods, because we get to choose our own.” – Jim
“Regardless of your intentions, you’re the villain in someone’s story.” – Jim
“There is no refuge from memory and remorse in this world. The spirits of our foolish deeds haunt us, with or without repentance.” – Gilbert Parker
“I do what I do for the people who believe in me, not for the jerks who don’t.” – Terry Fox
“I’m not suicidal, I’m Catholic!” – Sonia
“With my luck, my last words will be: Of course it’s not loaded! See?” – Jim
“Don’t sleep drivey.” -Missy
“You know, that whole internet thing is just crazy!” -Jack Brown
“This has to be a movie, because this shit doesn’t happen in real life.” – Jim
“But it will be so cool if I make it.” Jim (Ususally just before sustaining and injury)
“Well, experience is something you get right after you need it.” – Jim (Usually right after sustaining an injury.)
“You know, for a guy who doesn’t date much, you sure seem to have a lot of ex-girlfriends.” – Bill
“That’s because I know what I’m doing.” – Jim
“So why did you dump me?” – Ex-girlfriend asking for the 159th time in the 6 years since we split up.
“This is why. This conversation.”- Jim
“You’re seeing a whole team of psychiatrists, aren’t you?” – Jim
“I’ve gotten the ‘friends’ speech so many times, I actually corrected a woman who gave it to me.” – Jim
”I’ll never understand women, and if I did, I probably wouldn’t believe it.” – Jim
“Give me a minute, I have to call my stalker back.” – Jim
“Similies come to me like, well, a lot.” – Jim
“Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and quickly change the subject.” – Jim
“Remember, that’s not rain. That’s god peeing on MY HEAD!” – Jim
“There, that wasn’t so easy now, was it?” -Jim
“Metaphysically speaking, this sucks!” – Jim
“Tell you what, you keep talking. I’ll be just over here trying to care.” – Jim
“The difference between Genius and Stupidity is that Genius has limits” – Albert Einstein
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” -Oscar Wilde
“A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.” -Baltasar Gracián
“You go to Heaven for the weather, and Hell for the company.” – Russian Proverb
“The courage of my friends brings me justice.” – Proverb
“The courage of my enemies brings me honor.” – Proverb
“Often a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.” – Jim Backus
“To you I’m an atheist, to God, I’m the loyal opposition.” – Woody Allen
“A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.” – Woody Allen
“You know when you really want something, you close your eyes and wish for it really hard? God is the guy that ignores you. ” McCord (The Island)
“Hey, the basic teachings of Jesus are quite wonderful. So, by the way, is the original intention of Karl Marx. Okay? Hey, what could be bad? Everybody should share equally. Do unto others. Democracy. Government by the people. All great ideas. These are all great ideas, but they all suffer from one fatal flaw. Which is they’re all based on the fallacious notion that people are fundamentally decent. Give them a chance to do right and they’ll take it. They’re not stupid, selfish, greedy, cowardly, short-sighted worms.” – Boris Yelnikoff (Whatever Works)
“I used to think if I died in an evil place then my soul wouldn’t make it to heaven. Well, fuck. I don’t care where it goes as long it ain’t here.” – Chef (Apocalypse Now)
“The brave do not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.” – Princess Diaries
“It’s not lying, it’s a gift for fiction” – David Mamet (State & Main)
“Just because I don’t know what it is, doesn’t mean I’m lying.” -Strange Brew
“Give me a glazed doughnut, and a bottle of anything… to go!” -David Lee Roth
“Because we can’t remember their fucking names.” -Keith Richards (Upon being asked why they called the album “Some Girls”.)
“Just because the fucker’s got a library card doesn’t make him.. Yoda.” – Bradd Pitt (SE7EN)
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” – Ernest Hemingway
‘Nobody looks good in brown lipstick’ – Frank Zappa
“I don’t think I’m alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first.” – Holden (Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back)
“What’s a nubian?” – Banky (Chasing Amy)
“Are you my caucasian?” – Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasms)
“Doing stuff is overrated. Hitler did a lot of stuff, but don’t we all wish he would have just stayed home and gotten stoned?” – Dex (Tao of Steve)
“Am I supposed to remain celibate while I, like, bask in the warm glow of your annihilating contempt?” – Dex (Tao of Steve)
“Survival of the fittest, Max. And we’ve got the fucking guns!” – Marcy Dawson (Pi)
“I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.” -unknown
“The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.” – unknown
“You’re gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn’t it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don’t know shit?” – Brodie (Mallrats)
“Give me conformation, there’s someway outta here.” – Roger Waters (Who Needs Information)
“You’ll work harder, with a gun in your back, for a bowl of rice today.” – Dead Kennedys (Holiday in Cambodia)
“There are no unbeatable odds, there are no believable gods.” – Ozzy Osbourne (I Just Want You)
“She said meet me in the Garden of Gethsemane my dear,The Lord said Peter, I can see your house from here.” – Roger Waters (It’s a Miracle)
“Help me, help me, help me sail away. Or give me two good reasons why I oughta stay.” – The Kinks (Sunny Afternoon)
“No broken hearts, no broken necks.” – Keith Richards (Wicked as it Seems)
