The Left Flipper of God
©2002 JimCavalier.comThere was thunder, there was lightning, high humidity and an approaching cold front. Even the most inept forecasters could tell that this was going to be a rough one. Long before the first drop fell, the sky flickered as electricity rifled through the clouds. Naturally, this is when I headed out to get something to eat. Sure, it would have been simple enough to open the fridge, reheat some lasagna, grab a Pepsi and put my feet up in front of the TV. In retrospect, it was the safe, boring, logical, sane thing to do. Therefore, there was no chance in hell of it happening.
Normally, going to the local bistro to meet up with friends in not the definition of “high adventure”. The 2 mile drive was as routine as shaving, only there was less risk of getting cut. Pulling into the parking lot, I spotted an open space near the door. This was the first lucky break I’d had in a month. I wheeled into the space with the deft precision of an above average driver. Turned the stereo down (I have no idea why), and rolled ’em up just as the rain began to fall. This wasn’t one of those, general monotonous rains, the kind that help you sleep. This was one of those “We’re going to have to pump out the basement” kinds of rains. It was like a thousand flying water buffalos simultaneously exploded overhead as if triggered by a switch connected to my door handle. Typical.
Here it gets a little blurry. I hunched over and broke into a run, this, according to something hidden deep inside the cerebral cortex, somehow keeps you dry. I apparently have yet to perfect the technique. Maybe I wasn’t paying attention, or was pre-occupied with which menu item I was going to order, seeing as I had eaten my way though it at least a hundred times. Cover to cover. Except for the seafood. I hate seafood. Anyway, I’ve since heard from eyewitnesses that there was a large blue glow in the parking lot. I’ve also heard I ran straight to the center of it. The last thing I actually heard was a blurry voice screaming “Call and ambulance!”
At first, I wasn’t sure if I was flying, levitating, or just really drunk. I wasn’t speaking loud, didn’t have the feeling I was embarrassing those around me, and still could recall my problems, so drunk was out. The definitive lack or any kind of aircraft surrounding me ruled out flying, and quite frankly I’m not sure how to levitate. There seemed to be nothing I could do about it, so I opted to just let it go for now and figure it out later. I reached into my pocket for a smoke. No cigarettes. Hmmm. My lucky Zippo was missing. This was a problem. I’ve carried that damn light in my pocket for 12 years. It was there every time I was on stage, on every date I went on, and every jump out of every plane. A brief panic over took me and I instinctively looked around to see if I had dropped it. That’s when I noticed that I wasn’t wearing my usual blue jeans and Stones t-shirt. I seemed to be wearing white hospital scrubs. They were surprisingly comfortable. Usually a drawstring cuts into my waist. Even more unusual, was the fact the room I was standing in seemed to be made entirely of light. If you’ve never seen matter composed of light, it’s impressive. And surprisingly easy to keep clean, even white flooring. I stood there for a moment weighing nothing, and looking around when a calm voice called “Hey Jim, over here.”rnrn I looked to my left and there was a pinball machine. A Terminator 2, my favorite. The one and only time I ever broke 1 billion was on a T2 machine at the Embassy Suites in Dallas. This was a great machine and I hadn’t seen one in years. And, it was set to “free play”. Current situation accepted, things could have been worse.
“Hello.” I spun to see a person standing there with a clever smile on his face.
“Sorry about that, I still get a kick out of that trick.”
I looked at him, it took a couple of seconds, and then I recognized him.
“Keith Richards?!?” I said, startled.
“No,” he replied, “God, actually.”
“But I don’t believe in God.”
” I know, and I’m not here to convince you. But just to prove it’s me… “
He (?) quickly changed forms. Jack Nicholson, Eva Peron, Che Guevara, some kind of animal, Jennifer Lopez, then back to Keith.
“Was that fourth one a Tasmanian Tiger?” I asked.
“Yes it was, glad to see you’ve been taking an interest in the world.” He smiled.
“Aren’t they extinct?”
He didn’t answer just grinned. “Maybe, maybe not. I like to keep the zoologists on their toes. We still laugh about the platypus around here. We even have a gallery of the looks on some peoples faces as they try to figure it out. Practical jokes are kind of a hobby of mine”
“Why am I here?” I asked, puzzled on a cosmic scale.
“Why are any of us here? I can’t just give you the answers to the ages, you know. That would destroy the point of existing.”
“No,” I stammered, “I meant… “
“I know, just yanking your chain a little. That’s just a little payback for all the times you’ve pulled that stunt on your friends. I just wanted to talk to you and knew you wouldn’t accept that it was me any other way. If I had just spoken to you as a voice in your head… “
“I would have sought proper medication.” I finished, immediately wondering if I should be interrupting God.
“Don’t worry about etiquette. You are exactly as I made you. One of the reasons I blocked some extra time for this is that you’re more fun than some of the others. As soon as they figure out that I really am the ‘Big Guy’, they start groveling and praying, dropping to their knees, weeping. It’s unsettling. I mean, they live their lives by these strict religious principles, but it’s not a celebration of faith, or even just an appreciation of life. Instead, it’s this mortal fear of damnation that motivates them. Some bizarre fear that they’ll end up in hell for swearing, or looking at another person naked, or all kinds of crazy reasons. And they’ve got it so wrong. Put yourself in my shoes, what would you send people to hell for?”
“I’ve actually thought about this,” I replied, “it seems to me murder is a given. Rape should be on that list. Generally the permanent harm of another human being.”
“Not bad, kid.” God paused. “Anything else?”
I thought carefully about this. I covered the obvious ones, but he was obviously looking for another answer. “Telemarketing?”
God’s eyes glowed, he pointed his finger at me, and in a deep booming voice he accused “MASTURBATING!”
A severe panic overcame me, and then God said, “Psyche!” and laughed out loud. “Sorry, but the look on your face… Oh, that’s one for the gallery. Wait until I tell your ancestors. This will tickle them to no end.” He wiped tears of laughter from his eyes. “That was priceless. I thought you were going to pass out.” He took a breath, “No, you forgot the animals.”
“You mean hunting, medical testing, that kind of thing?’
“No, using animals for food, clothing, or to better the human race is part of the cycle of nature. Kids who feed M-80’s to bullfrogs, torture cats, they’re on the hell express.”
“So,” I paused, “does my being here mean I’m dead?”
“Oh me, no!” he chuckled. “You’re in a coma. I put you there. Well, I had an assistant do it. We’re restructuring and lightning bolts are part of our middle management training. I don’t get that directly involved in the day-to-day operations anymore. Oh sure, I still look out for the good ones, but transubstantiation has it’s own division now and the whole Karma thing really seems to be panning out when it comes to reward and punishment. Who knew?”
“Lightning? I was struck by lightning? That’s kinda cool. But, I mean this with all due respect, isn’t there a less painful way to get me here?”
“Actually, there was a time when an unexplained coma would have worked. And yes, it was less painful, but your insurance wouldn’t have covered it. With all the advancements in medicine, it’s harder for us to cover our tracks. Think about it, someone wakes up and the cancer is miraculously gone from his or her body, people are going to notice. Also, it can be attributed to the wrong treatment and something ineffectual gets the credit and thousands die before they realize it isn’t working. Mostly, we stay out of the healing business. Unfortunately, even the bad stuff is part of the process. I can’t elaborate, suffice to say, you’ll understand in time.” He motioned toward the pinball machine. “Game?”rnrn “Pinball with God? Why not? Today is turning more surreal by the moment.”rnrn God chuckled, pushed the start button twice and gestured for me to shoot first. Just as I was about to play, he tapped me on the shoulder and rocked his head back for me to look behind me. A woman was approaching carrying a tray. As she drew near, it became apparent that it was Michele Yeoh and the on the tray was a frosted oilcan of Fosters and a tall mixed drink. She placed the drinks on a tall table, smiled and gave me a wink, then turned and walking, disappeared into a mist.
“I knew you’d appreciate that.” God said.
“I, uhh, yeah… thanks! Not to complain,” I said, “but I can’t drink beer. I have gout.”
“Not here you don’t. Nothing can affect you here.” He seemed happy that I was growing comfortable with the situation, as I reached for the beer. The can was cold, just short of the point of freezing. Inside, was the freshest, most delicious brew ever to come out of Australia. It’s never that good in the States. We tapped glasses and God toasted, “Here’s looking up your old address.” We laughed and took a drink.
“What are you drinking?” I asked.
“Mai Tai. I love these things. Normally we’d be playing skee-ball, but, and don’t take this the wrong way, you’re just no damn good at it.”
“Now hold on a second… “rnrn”Excuse me, but when God tells you that you’re a rotten skee-ball player, you might want to give him the benefit of the doubt.”
“Point taken.” I said and began playing pinball. “Gotta say, mighty foofy drink for someone who throws lightning bolts around.” I joked.
God let out a belly laugh. “Sonny will get such a kick of that. He teases me all the time about them. He thinks that we should be more like it says in the bible. You know, the flowing robes, giant throne, larger than life. I just got tired of it. It was taking people too long to figure out that they’d made it, they could relax. They were walking on eggshells around here. Everyone was acting like eternal damnation was only a slip of the tongue away.”
“Sonny?” I asked.
“J.C., Jesus. Ever since he saw the Godfather… I swear, that kid.”
My turn on the machine finally ended. After bonuses, I had over 70 million. God continued as he stepped in to play, “Now, we start with a blank slate and let them create their own surroundings. I give the usual ‘Welcome’ speech, nothing preachy mind you, put them at ease, make them laugh, then explain how it all works. You ever notice how people whisper in a church, even when there’s no one else around? Well, it was getting like that here. Come on, paradise and nobody enjoying it? That’s not right.”
“So, how does it work? Do you get to go back? Move on? Get a job here? What eventually happens?”
God missed with the left flipper and the ball slipped down the drain. 24 million. I was actually beating God at pinball.
“I can’t tell you that. You’ll find out when it’s your time. And if I may be omnipotent for a moment, I don’t stop the suffering because often times I can’t. I can’t make someone do something or stop them from hurting others. Free will. The second greatest gift ever. Free will is what allows anything to happen. It’s necessary for the cycle to continue, people to grow. Without free will, life is a predetermined sequence of events. At that point, there is no reason for it to exist. If it is predetermined, to what end? Why waste the time? I could just will the final result into existence. Create the answer and be done. It’s all about the process.”
As he finished, my turn ended, 91 million. I looked at him “I get it. It’s part of the machinery of the universe. Without it, what is now existence would cease and everything would become nothing.. and.. disappear in a puff of… logic… ” I trailed off.
“Not too shabby. Don’t try to figure it out, you’re not supposed to understand yet. But I do like your philosophy. You’re on the right track with human nature, and I caught some of the conversations you’ve had about religious texts. So many people miss the message. Even worse, so called ‘religious scholars’ never read anything beyond their chosen religion. Granted, I don’t know that ‘Be groovy to each other’ would have worked in the original commandments, but it does cover them in a way I think people should relate to them.”
“So earlier, when you mentioned karma, you were referring to ‘do unto others’?”
“Bingo!” God laughed.
We drank, joked around and finished our game. I won’t say who won, but I am an amazing pinball player on a metaphysical level.
“Well, my son, I have to go. As do you. I brought you here to tell you not to give up. Things may have been rough for you lately, but great things are expected from you. It’s up to you to do what you will, but maybe knowing there’s faith in you will keep you from letting it get to you.”
“So you have been watching me?”
“Every now again, someone with potential is tapped and if they get too far off course, I’ll intervene. Not always like this, but try to push them in the right direction. In the end, it’s up to them.”
“One last thing,” I began.
“I know,” God explained, “You still don’t believe in me. You don’t have to. Consider this a hallucination, or the real deal, it really makes no difference. You’ve got the message, and that’s the important part. With a little editing, it might even make a funny story for your website. I have to leave, all of creation to oversee and all that. It’s been fun.” We shook hands and everything began to dissolve into a gray haze. With his outline still faint, he said “Take it easy.”
replied, “Peace.”
“I’m glad to hear you say that”, and he was gone.
It was Monday when I awoke in the hospital, not much worse for the wear. After another day of observation, I was sent home, all systems normal. The only mark, a scar in my eyebrow where they say the electricity skipped off my skin. The one odd thing, I seem to set off metal detectors for no reason. I swear, I can hear a familiar laugh when that happens.
Fin
