“Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the turkey before us. A turkey, which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird. A social being, capable of actual affection. . . nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion. Anyway, it’s dead and we’re gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family.”– Milo Bloom
As is tradition in our house…
Jim Says: “Shrink, I wanna kill.”
As the election draws closer and the blame for the rough economy gets thrown from party to party, I’m reminded of the plan a few years ago to build a wall along the Mexican border to prevent people from sneaking back to Guadalajara with our jobs hidden under their coats
It got me to thinking, as long we’re going to use this as a “job creator” and hide behind the promise that it is somehow not racist but, in fact, protection of some kind, let’s do it right. I’ve drawn up a map with a few additional improvements.
As you can see, the original border wall is still in place, to help protect our jobs and such. I’ve also added a couple of much needed ones. First, is the wall across the Northern edge of Florida, henceforth to be known as “North Cuba”. That’s right, I say we wall it off and give it to Cuba as an apology and sign of goodwill. I know what you’re saying, how is giving someone millions of acres of swampland populated with inbred luddites a sign of good will? Well, we’re including Disney World. And two Primanti Brothers.
In addition to that, we can build a second wall around Luisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Georgia. These 4 states will now be known as “Nascaristan”. This idea has been a long time coming, but the final straw was the incident from an episode of Top Gear UK, where Alabama embarrasses our entire country on the global stage.
http://youtu.be/4jG0D2nRGrQ
The real genius of this plan is that having Cuba just on the other side of the border wall, Nascaristan will be so busy hating on them for no reason to cause problems for the rest of us.
Then again, we can always just apply my usual foreign policy and “Nuke them from space”.
Jim Says: “How am I not President?”
So, it’s rolled around again. I’ve managed to lap the sun and tick off one more year. In addition to myself, is my good friend Scott Argiro…
Well, 25 years have passed, and Scott has been working out, eating right, settled down and married, you can see by the following picture that he is, in fact, falling apart rather rapidly. Safe to say, Scott may have in fact, discovered the fountain of old.
I, on the other hand, have grown more handsome, debonair, and maintained my rugged good looks and boyish charm by chain smoking, living on pizza, burgers and beer and vodka, and chasing trouble in a skirt at every opportunity.
Jim Says: “Happy Birthday, buddy. I SAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY!!”
(He doesn’t hear as well as he used to.)
Jim Says: “How are we losing to these assholes? I fell like a Leafs fan!!”
Many years ago, King Clyde Glunk faced a dilemma. His kingdom was about to come under siege by the Romans as they advanced through Europe.rnrnThe King stepped onto his balcony and addressed his people..
“My citizens, we have a grave decision to make. The Roman army is approaching and we are badly outnumbered with no chance of victory. If we fight, we will most likely be overrun with very few survivors left to tell our tale. However, if we abandon our small kingdom to flee and hide throughout Europe, our culture will be lost and forgotten in the sands of time. I will not order you to fight. Instead, I leave the decision to you, good people. Shall we face the oncoming onslaught and fight to defend our way of life, or shall we run? I shall return in the morning for your answer.”
The next day, King Clyde Glunk, weary from a sleepless night, made his way to the balcony to once again address his people.
“Good people, I ask you. Do we run and hide? Or do we head onward into battle?”
There was silence as a lone representative from the crowd made his way to the front. He stopped, and looked up at his King. He removed his hat and began to speak…
“Your Majesty,” he said, “as your loyal subjects, we have discussed this long into the night. We have weighed every option, and have come to a solid conclusion.”
“What say you?” asked the King.
“We shall not run and hide. We shall… MARCH FORTH!”
And that’s how we came to celebrate this holiday. May you and yours have a glorius March 4th.
– Respects to Sam Sunderman
